If you smell what Black Leg is cooking
by nauticaas
Summary: [Complete] Sanji's confidence as a cook and a member of the Straw Hats is shaken, and as he tries desperately to rediscover his identity, his crew struggles to hold on to their friend before he fades away entirely. Crack.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**: This is a result of the author being extremely silly while on cold meds and trying not to die from sneezing so much. It's a short, fun two-parter making light of the author's condition and Sanji's 4kids dub voice (which is the most amazing thing _ever_, don't even lie).

* * *

It started with a sneeze.

Actually, Sanji would point out that it started with their captain's insatiable hunger…for adventure, which led them out to this godforsaken rock to chase down a supposed "mystery bug"; when Luffy shared the rumors of the stolen plunder hidden on the summit of the island's namesake mountain, the crew's fate had been sealed. Nami would brave anything once the beri signs started running through her mind, to Sanji's dismay (though she _did_ look happy; maybe this wouldn't turn out to be a disaster).

Getting their hands on the treasure was a cinch. One minute they were adjusting the sails to catch the right wind to take them to the winter island, and the next their navigator was practically swimming in gold piles. While she gleefully coated her hands in diamond rings, Luffy turned to the fuming treasure hoarder with an easy grin. "We'll be taking this, 'kay?"

The man raised his meaty fists and attacked the crew, but one look from their captain told them to leave this to him. They dodged and withdrew compliantly, and then Luffy reared back for one of his specialty punches, sending his fist colliding solidly with the bandit's middle. That was where things went a little differently from most fights. Instead of flying off the face of the mountain, the hoarder scrunched up his face and made a funny squeaking sound. Luffy furrowed his brow and cocked his head curiously.

"Wow, you're hard to budge. You gonna be okay?"

If anything, the man's face twisted up even more.

"Oi, Luffy; get back." Zoro was reaching for his arm, one of the only three in their crew who saw it coming. Robin had already backed away with the others, and Brook shoved Nami down with him into the treasure hoard as soon as the blow came. Luffy's eyes lit up in realization at the last moment and he shoved the man away towards the snow bank to the left, just in time to avoid getting hit.

"Ahh…aahhh…_ACHOOOOO_!"

Once the winds from the thunderous sneeze died down, Luffy glanced up from Zoro's hold with wide eyes as he took in the sight of the decimated trees and the cleared snow drifts only meters away. The awed grin on his face vanished almost immediately when he noticed exactly who he had pushed the sneezing thief on.

Sanji stood in the center of the devastation, hands still raised to light his cigarette. He was coated in a thick layer of mucus and spittle from head to toe, barely visible underneath the muck and grime. Everyone cringed as he raised a trembling hand to his mouth, plucking a soaked cigarette from the back of his throat that he had nearly swallowed after being slammed by the impossibly powerful sneeze. The cook then turned to look at Luffy with the coolest, most serene expression they had ever seen him wear, and the captain flinched, clinging to Zoro for protection. Sanji just stared at him in the most unnerving manner for several long, tense minutes, and then he slowly trudged down the slope towards the ship. The crew watched him worriedly; his temper usually never lasted this long. Luffy peered at him from over his swordsman's shoulder determinedly, though Zoro could feel his nails digging into his arm.

"G-green's a nice color on you, Sanji."

Zoro thought that at any moment he might actually flick out a forked tongue, what with the snakelike slits his eyes had narrowed down to. Still, he didn't say a word, and they thought he might have actually gone mute with anger. Some time between the cook's silent fury and the captain's ill-timed comment, the bandit escaped, but not before swearing his undying revenge on the lot of them.

None of them particularly cared.

"There wasn't even a bug," Usopp pouted, storing away his butterfly nets and shoving his and the captain's shared bug collection into his rucksack. Luffy lamented with him concurringly, and the others just shook their heads in exasperation.

* * *

The next morning no one had any breakfast, and it was all Luffy's fault.

"Oi, the idiot-cook could have paid attention to the fight instead of puffing away like a damn chimney."

"Actually, I kinda steered the guy right in his direction."

"Captain, I'm trying to defend you."

A series of horrific sneezes erupted from the bed again, and the crew watched Sanji bury his face into the mattress as his thin frame was wracked over and over again by those violent tremors. By the time they stopped, it was hard to tell if he was still conscious.

Nami peered at him from behind her mask. "Sanji-kun? Are you alright?"

"Don't look upon my desolation, Nami-swan." He turned his watery, bloodshot gaze on the navigator with a mournful groan. "I don't want to destroy you with my pestilence."

Chopper sighed. "It's a cold, Sanji, not the plague."

"Chopper, you're a doctor, the best doctor, but I'm afraid you fail to realize the severity of my afflictions. I'm _sick_." He made a long, noisy, disgusting sound that was a cross between a sniffle and a snort.

"I'll admit, this cold has to be pretty strong to take down your immune system, and I've never seen such violent sneezing before, but you're going to be fine, Sanji. It's not that bad."

Sanji nodded at him with a weak smile, and then he turned to the sniper. "Usopp, bring me my best fillet knife."

"Eh? I thought you said you couldn't cook like this."

"I can't. I just wish to die by my own blade."

Zoro raised a brow. "I thought a cook's knives were supposed to be treated with respect, _in the kitchen_. Seems a bit contradictory to your little "honor code", cook."

"I don't trust any of you to be able to give me a good killing blow with your feet, and the shitty old man is all the way back in East Blue. I deserve at least to go with dignity."

"By stabbing yourself with the knife you used to gut a fish yesterday?"

The cook gave him a withering glare that might have been more effective if he wasn't interrupted by the urgent need to blow his nose and wipe the tears from his eyes. "The fillet knife is used to cut and shave meat into thin slices off the bone, you uneducated _dunderhead_."

He broke out into another gruesome fit of sneezing, each one worse than the last, and it was painfully obvious that he was trying to hold back the entire time. Chopper shook his head as Sanji shoved his face into the bed to stifle his sneezes and motioned to everyone to back away. "Sanji, it's okay. Don't hold it in; you're just making things worse for yourself."

After his fit subsided, he managed to sit up with a pathetic whimper, cringing at the looks on everyone's faces. His face was a mess of tears and snot, and he had even bitten through his lip while smothering himself. Being sick was bad enough, but seeing everyone looking at him pityingly was the worst pain that he could ever have been dealt.

He drew his knees up and buried his face in his trembling arms, hoping that they hadn't seen the tears welling up in his eyes. There was a lump in his throat that he couldn't swallow past, and his head was throbbing painfully while he tried to contain his emotions. Then, a sob escaped his lips.

"Sanji?"

The concern in their voices only made things worse, and he was crying miserably into his arms before anyone could stop him. They were at a loss; no one knew what to do with the distressed cook on the bed without touching him. Usopp hesitantly reached out his butterfly net and patted his shaking shoulders, trying to soothe him with a stammered "there, there; it's gonna be okay, 'kay?" and looking like he wanted to be anywhere but near that bed.

Luffy watched the whole thing with a dark, dangerous look. Zoro and the others glanced at him and wondered what the captain was planning; a look like that promised only pain and punishment. He waited until after Sanji's sobs were quieted and he had fallen asleep under a combination of drugs that Chopper only administered with great reluctance, and then the captain stood to address his crew with a livid expression.

"Oi, listen up. We're gonna go out and find that coward Snotman-bastard, and he's gonna pay for making my cook _cry_."

Everyone nodded in grim determination, incensed by the grievous insult that man had dealt their beloved cook. The only one who found their righteous anger was just a little bit misguided was the shipwright.

"Um, I think it was because he was embarrassed in front of us that he began to cry? Right?" Franky looked at the crew in confusion. "You guys _do_ realize that?"

After some careful thought, Luffy rephrased his announcement. "…okay, listen up. We're gonna find that bastard Boogerman, and he's gonna pay for making my cook so sick that he looked gross enough to make us stare at him in horror until he cried."

"…doesn't have the same ring to it," Brook frowned, and the others nodded in agreement.

Luffy shrugged. "Eh, can't please everyone."

* * *

Everyone had gathered around Sanji's bed a couple of days later, armed with a piping hot bowl of chicken noodle soup, three new boxes of tissues, and lots of bright smiles for the recovering cook. After three days of sneezes that threatened to nearly snap him like a twig with their sheer force, he appeared to be getting well enough to have visitors in the same room with him, and Chopper happily opened the doors of the infirmary to the restless crew.

(Three days of Nami's mandatory meal plan and complimentary "emergency credit line" had driven them to near-despair; it was hard to believe that they would ever be able to pay their debt off.)

"You guys shouldn't have," he smiled weakly, taking the bowl from Luffy, who had just barely restrained himself from inhaling the whole thing on his way down from the kitchen.

"Hey, you're our cook, and we have to take care of you, too!" The captain grinned and turned to Nami to claim his reward, all the leftover breakfast ham at a great discounted price (it was mostly for show, anyway; there was no way she expected him to ever pay her back). "It's an act of love for our favoritest, bestest cook (except my love is better than everyone else's; that means I get more meat later, right?)."

"Of course, Luffy. Thank you."

Everyone froze in a belated reaction to the cook's voice, and then Sanji nearly dropped his bowl as his hands came up to grasp at his throat. There was a look of horror on his face when he croaked, "What's wrong with my voice?"

Nami tried to speak, she really did, but all that she managed to do was give a tiny squawk before shaking her head helplessly. "N-Nami…somebody, just tell me I'm imagining this, please."

"You sound like a thug," Franky said reluctantly, unable to stop himself even as he watched Sanji's crestfallen expression sink even further into despair. "A fifty-year-old thug, in a small town mafia. Who chain smokes four packs before breakfast and is emotionally crippled."

Robin gave him the closest thing to a glare that he had ever seen her pull, and he quickly whispered, "And currently has a head cold. I'm sorry."

They watched her drag the shipwright from the room without a word, leaving an ominous silence in her wake. Usopp covered his ears when the horrifying screams came, and Nami numbly did the same for Chopper. Luffy and the rest just listened stoically, backs straight and rigid until Franky finally fell silent. Robin returned to the room quietly and sat down by Sanji's bed, reaching over with a gentle, mothering touch to hold his hand.

"Cook-san, are you alright?"

He bit down on his lip and shook his head, refusing to speak out loud for fear of the sound of his own voice.

"Hey, it's gonna be fine." Usopp forced a smile onto his face and thumped his box of tissues against the cook's shoulder in an attempt to be comforting yet manly. "There's bound to be something positive in this, right guys? Let's all think of something positive to say to Sanji!"

"That sounds like a wonderful idea," Brook said blandly, casting his gaze around the room for a distraction. "Hey, Zoro; you should go first."

It was the worst idea.

As the first mate, it was his duty to lead by example and to boost his crew's morale. Zoro stared nervously at Sanji's heartbreakingly frail and hopeful expression and the strained, expectant looks of the rest of the crew. A single bead of sweat trailed down the back of his neck and under the collar of his shirt, just out of reach. His heart pounded like a drum, and in that moment, the swordsman became one with the world. He could have cut through iron without drawing a single sword. Kuina's spirit was cheering him on. He had everything going for him. "Congratulations, your voice finally matches your personality."

Brook's jaw literally hit the ground. The others cringed away from Zoro in dread, and Sanji slowly inhaled, deep and raspy.

Luffy turned his gaze away and abandoned his first mate to the cook's fury, a weary, resigned expression on his face. With a heavy heart and a long-suffering sigh, he called over his shoulder, "Someone get his head out of the crawlspace when Sanji's done; I want to have a word with my first mate."

And while everyone was distracted, the captain set out to find the rest of the breakfast leftovers in the galley.

* * *

"Sanji-kun, could I please have another mango-tangerine smoothie?"

Chopper rushed to her side with the bright, fruity concoction, served on a sparkly new silver tray. "Um, thanks, Chopper?"

"Cook-san, if I may bother you for a refill on my coffee?"

Usopp hurried over and poured her a steaming hot cup of fresh caffeine, topped with the finest, lightest froth. "…thank you, Usopp."

Both women exchanged a suspicious look and stood from their lounge chairs on the Sunny's deck, making their way up to the unusually quiet galley. They found Usopp and Chopper working furiously on new drinks and snacks, and they were greeted with a fearful glance from the pair.

Help us, Usopp mouthed.

I'm scared, Chopper trembled.

The cook was hunched over in the corner of the room, muttering softly under his breath and twitching violently as he worked on something. Nami slowly approached him and, backed by Robin's encouraging nod, she tapped his shoulder gently. "Sanji-?"

They both jumped back with a scream, and in Sanji's case, he immediately clapped a hand over his mouth. To their surprise, he held up a whiteboard with a shakily written message: 'Please go away.'

Nami frowned in confusion. "But why…?"

'Just go. Leave.' He was trying his hardest not to cry; this was obviously hurting him to say that to the women.

"Sanji, we're worried about you," Robin said, pushing the board away and kneeling down in front of him. "You've locked yourself up in the kitchen, you don't cook anymore, you don't _speak_ anymore…this isn't healthy."

Usopp and Chopper had drawn closer, though they remained a safe distance behind the women and were poised to run for the exit should the situation arise. At Sanji's silence, Nami sighed and muttered, "It's not like your voice even matters; you're still the same person, you know."

"I sound hideous." They glanced up in surprise; this was the first time in weeks that he had spoken, and his voice was more broken and hoarse from disuse than before. He winced at the sound but continued weakly. "I hate listening to it, and I'm embarrassed by it, and no one will ever take me seriously again because of it, and that's not even the worst part of this stupid cold."

He drew a shuddering breath and looked around at the kitchen that he so loved, the kitchen that he had refused to cook in for weeks, and the place where he felt safest on the ship. "…I can't taste anything."

* * *

Luffy sat at the head of the table, looking at his crew with a serious expression, even as he noisily sucked on one of the hard candies he had taken to carrying around with him since Sanji had stopped cooking. Zoro was sitting at his side, eying him like he was desperately trying not to punch him across the jaw just to get him to stop making those slurping sounds for a few minutes. The bruise around his eye was finally fading, but there was a new swelling around his other eye from earlier that morning, when he let another thoughtless comment slip around the cook. Chopper had taped a frozen slab of meat to it and told him to just shut up, he had run out of ice packs to give him.

"Would it kill you to show a little self-restraint?"

Zoro grunted noncommittally and kept staring at the captain while he shoved another piece of candy into his mouth. Finally, once everyone had gotten bored and distracted, he stood up and yelled for their attention.

"Oi, this meeting of the Luffy pirates will now come into session, okay?"

Usopp nodded. "Alright, for our first order of business, I would like to motion that we change our name to the Usopp pirates. All in favor? Pass."

"It is law." Luffy thumped his hand on top of Zoro's head and gave a firm nod.

"I thought we were the Straw Hats," Brook frowned, removing the top of his skull to poke around in his brain in puzzlement. "Or was that a dream I had?"

"If we're going to change names, I vote for something like 'The Super-Lion-Robot-Pirates'," Franky quipped, readjusting the hinges on his left knee; weeks later and he was still finding places to tune up after the number that Robin had done on him.

"Oh, oh! How about 'The Mystery Meat-"

"No!" Nami slammed her hand down on the table. "We're not changing anything about the Straw Hats; that's what this stupid meeting is about!"

Luffy looked very disappointed. "Not even a little?"

The navigator scowled. "Focus, captain. You're about to lose your cook, remember?"

"Right!" Luffy turned to their miserable looking chef and pointed an accusing finger at him. "Sanji; you're fired!"

"I believe you meant to say, you can't resign." Robin didn't look up from the book she was poring through; these meetings tended to be long winded and tedious, and she figured that she had time for just one more chapter before they would really need her to step in. "Isn't that right, captain?"

Sanji watched the proceedings with a somber expression to the best of his ability before his patience ran out. "It doesn't even matter, Luffy; I'm going to leave the crew either way."

They fell silent quickly, because his voice was certainly awful enough to catch their undivided attention, but his words were even worse.

"I already explained my reasons, and I hope that you all respect my choice. It wasn't easy coming to this decision, but it's for the best, for all of you."

"Oh, come on. Just because you sound funny and you can't cook because your taste buds are shot doesn't mean…" Usopp trailed off. "Uh, that does sound bad. Luffy, what are we going to do?"

Chopper jumped up with a halfhearted smile. "Wait, but we might still find that guy, Sanji…there's still a chance we could cure you, and-"

"No, Chopper; there isn't." Sanji smiled sadly at the doctor and patted his head, wishing that he could believe there was a way to fix everything. "You worked really hard to cure my cold, and it worked beautifully, but whatever that was destroyed all of my hopes and dreams the moment that sloppy, disgusting mass of mucus and virus hit me on the mountainside."

He looked gravely around at his friends. "I have failed you all as a cook, and as a crewmate. Forgive me."

There were tears, of course, and a lot of heartfelt goodbyes, and then the Straw Hats' former chef…wait, what? Of course they aren't that stupid and melodramatic.

…they are, but then again, someone always comes through as the voice of reason.

"Hello, this is the shitty restaurant; would you like to make a reservation?"

Luffy smiled triumphantly at Sanji's shell-shocked expression and held the Den Den Mushi out to him. The cook didn't take it, and the captain shrugged and brought it back to his face.

"Yeah, old man, remember me?"

"Chore boy? Did the baby eggplant change his mind and decide to come crawling back to work at this shithole? Tell him that we've got a copy of his poster hanging up in the front of house; everyone gets a good laugh out of it, and business has never been better."

Luffy grinned nervously at Sanji's murderous expression and laughed.

"Eh, that's kind of why I called."

There was a sudden silence on the other end of the line, and for a moment, they thought the call had fallen through. But then, Zeff spoke in a dangerous tone: "Is that right, little eggplant? You think you can just turn tail and run after everything you've been through and give up on your dreams?"

Sanji crossed his arms and looked away from the Den Den Mushi's reproachful glare. He was fighting hard not to speak, even though they could tell it was killing him not to speak his mind. Luffy sighed and returned to the call. "He's not gonna answer, Zeff. He thinks that he can't be my cook anymore, and I-"

"You have to help him, please!" Chopper cried, throwing himself onto Luffy's shoulder so his voice would reach the transponder. "He got really sick, and now his olfactory and gustatory systems are all messed up, and then-"

"He had me running errands and serving the girls and tasting cookies," Usopp yelled, clinging desperately to the captain's arm. "_So many cookies_, and they were all horrible and bland-"

"His voice reminds me of my late grandmother," Zoro said in a weird mixture of a fond and amused tone. "I find it soothing, and comforting."

"Please, just tell him he doesn't need to smell or taste things just to cook," Nami practically sobbed, wishing that she had never agreed to go to that stupid mountain in the first place. "We just want our Sanji back!"

_"Please, Mr. Sanji's Dad, please help us!"_

Sanji stared at his crewmates fighting to get a word on the transponder, a soft, contemplative look in his eyes. Luffy smiled knowingly when he sat down by the captain's side and slowly reached out to take the receiver.

"So, old man," Luffy said, leaning back in his chair and letting Sanji take the call. "What's your say in this?"

"…if he wants to leave, then by all means, give him a good kick off the boat for me."

Everyone waited for the words to sink in. "_What_."

"A chef with no sense of taste or smell is not a chef at all. If the little brat can't cook, then he doesn't belong on your ship now, does he? I always knew you'd choke, little eggplant. Come crawling back home with your tail between your legs, and I might just give you chore boy's job, if I'm in a good mood."

Oh, this was not going how they had imagined. In fact, this was going the complete _opposite_ of what they had imagined. Nami looked worriedly at the cook, who was clenching his fists on the table and looking at the Den Den Mushi with a stony expression.

Sanji raised the receiver to his mouth and steeled himself. "Oi, shitty geezer. I understand perfectly."

"Oh, do you?"

"Yeah. I understand that you know nothing about me or my cooking, and that a chef can cook even without a sense of taste or smell. Because guess what?" Sanji's eyes were gleaming with a manic euphoria. "I'm gonna be the best cook without those stupid senses, the finest in all the Blues, no, _in all time ever_. And I'm going to be so good, I will make you eat your words, and it will be the best fucking meal you've ever had."

There was another pause.

"Your tastebuds will _shit_ themselves, because of how good it will be."

Luffy gently pried the receiver from his cook's hands. "Okay, I think that's enough."

_"Your shit will shit itself."_

Chopper placed a hand on his forehead. "Oh, he's clammy again. Robin, may I have my bag? I need to check for a fever."

Luffy grinned and spoke into the transponder snail with a contented sigh. "Thanks for coming through for us, old man. That was really good."

"What are you talking about? I really do mean for him to come home."

"You weren't just saying that to rile him up and make him stay with us?"

There was a snort of disbelief on the other end of the line. "Are you kidding me? My boy sounds half-deranged and delusional with fever out there. Just what have you been doing to him, chore boy?"

Sanji leaned in again. "Oi, cool it, damn geezer. I'm fine. God, you're so overprotective; I'll come home when I'm good and ready."

"Tch, not without proof that you've actually been to your shitty ocean first. Got that, baby eggplant?" Zeff's tone was unusually gentle, and Sanji smiled widely, ignoring the stares from the rest of his crewmates as he prepared himself for the inevitable goodbye.

"Yeah, yeah…tell everyone I said 'hi, losers'. And _I-love-you-too, old man_." He rushed that last part and hoped that no one else had managed to decipher his mumbled croak. Then he wondered if Zeff had understood him either.

"…you really need to do something about your voice, though."

"Shut up."

* * *

They had their cook, and they had kept their cook, and that was all good and well, but Brook had to wonder if maybe they could perhaps eat out just once this week, because as much as he loved their cook and appreciated all the hard work that he put into their meals, there was only so much misflavored food a skeleton could take.

Sanji fidgeted nervously in front of the crew, watching their disappointingly unenthusiastic faces as they forced themselves to eat dinner on the Sunny, again. The musician felt bad; he was trying so hard, and yet every time they sat down for a meal it was all they could do to keep from spitting their food right back out onto the plate. Who knew that he had depended so heavily on scent and taste?

Luffy gave everyone a cold, hard stare before they began to eat, but even he had stopped swiping food off of everyone's plates at the table; his voracious appetite was no match for the cook's incredible new ability to make food taste really, really bad.

Sanji closed his eyes when they took the first bite. "I'm really sorry, everyone. Why don't we…just go out tonight?"

"No." Luffy said determinedly, chewing on his meat with as much of his old vigor as he could muster. "No…this is…"

"Wow, Sanji! I thought you said you were going to keep cooking all our food, but this tastes great!" Usopp looked at him with an oblivious grin, holding up his plate for seconds. Already?

Sanji didn't know whether to feel hurt or…actually, yeah, he felt really hurt. "Come get it yourself, longnose."

He set his head down on the counter and nibbled on some stale crackers he had found in the back of the pantry, because when your taste has gone to shit and your cooking is from hell itself (according to one brutally honest shipwright), well, why not? He couldn't taste it anyway.

Brook's hand rested on his shoulder, and Sanji looked up wearily, ready to tell him off for whatever shitty thing he was going to say about his cooking. "Sanji-san, look."

It was the most beautiful sight he had ever seen. "W-why are you all eating my food? And are you actually grabbing seconds?"

"Fourths," the captain mumbled around a mouthful and swiped at Zoro's plate. "Sanji, I knew you would find your groove again. It's a cook thing."

"It's delicious, Sanji!"

"Oh my God, this tastes like your cooking again."

"A commendable job, Cook-san."

"Oi, come try some of this _super_ pasta, bro! You've earned it."

He didn't realize that he was crying until Brook pressed a handkerchief into his hands. No matter how he tried, the tears just kept on coming, though he wanted to keep watching his friends actually enjoying his meal for the first time in what felt like ages. It was hopeless; his vision was blurring too much, and he sank to his knees and brought a trembling hand up to his forehead, unable to believe that this was real. "Y-you guys…I…th-thank…y-y-you…"

Everyone attacked him at once, and soon they were lying in a tangled mass of limbs on the kitchen floor, all of them trying to get in on the huge bear hug in the center of the mess. Luffy had reached him first and refused to remove himself from Sanji's torso, elastic limbs wound tightly around him. Nami and Usopp were next, and then Franky gave up and just lifted the whole group up off the floorboards, eliciting a round of shrieks and laughter from everyone.

"Oi, Sanji." The cook craned his neck to look at Luffy. The captain was giving him one of his crazy, dangerous smiles again.

"We're gonna find that bastard, and then we're gonna make him take back whatever he did to you, okay?" Sanji found himself nodding along to his words, knowing that with Luffy, this promise was as good as kept. "And then when you're better, I'm gonna kick his ass straight back to that mountain, and then we're gonna stuff you with so much good food and I'm going to make sure that you won't ever have a reason to cry again, you got it?"

Sanji couldn't see Luffy's face through his tears, but he smiled back anyway. "Okay, Luffy."

"…would this be a bad time to say that I wouldn't mind it if the shit-cook kept his stupid voice?"

He let the cook have a field day with Zoro again. As to what that actually entailed…well, no one wanted to stick around to find out.

("No, Zoro; I told you, I'm out of ice packs. Ask Luffy if he'll give you one of his frozen steaks.")

* * *

**The Great Sneeze-Off Part Deux:** Sanji learns a whole new way of cooking, if you catch my drift (it involves food and not much else, sorry). And the Straw Hats catch up with old Mountain Boogerman, but at what cost?

No, seriously. This is all very intense. You should be waiting anxiously for the next part.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:** This may serve as a testament to the fact that I cannot write humor, crack, nor a decent plot. If you read the first part, feel free to just consider it a standalone one shot. But if you decide to continue reading, please remember that I will not be held accountable for any disappointment, disillusionment, or trauma. This is all an exercise in futility; it's also pointless and trippy at points, but I think it serves its purpose in teaching me that I should never attempt something like this again.

**Warnings for:** "Mpreg",Surrealism, vomiting, breaking the fourth wall, and crimes against common sense. This turned out weirder than the part I wrote while drugged up on cough medicine. Impressive.

* * *

A stack of double chocolate chunk brownie pancakes sat before him, loaded with whipped cream, swiss chocolate and fudge topping, and several handfuls of candied chocolate chips tossed on the side, paired off with a huge mug of hot chocolate. It was cavity-inducing, blood glucose inflating, and criminally decadent.

Chopper gave his plate an unhappy look.

"What's wrong, Chopper?" Usopp couldn't fathom why anyone would look at a breakfast like that and frown, but maybe he felt that the cook had skimped on his chocolate chips or something. "Oh…don't tell me he mixed up the salt and sugar _again_."

He shook his head. "No, it's not that. The food's delicious."

The doctor sighed and scooped a spoonful of whipped cream into his mouth. "I'm worried about Sanji's health."

Franky glanced at the plate in front of him. "I'd be more worried about your health."

"He hasn't been eating with us lately," Chopper continued obliviously, and the shipwright turned back to his food with a roll of his eyes and a grumble. "And frankly, it's concerning, considering how sick he was just a few weeks ago. What if I didn't actually fix him and he relapses?"

"I wouldn't worry about that," Luffy said between mouthfuls of crispy bacon. "He's eating plenty, Chopper; I made sure."

The little reindeer's face brightened. "Really?"

"Uh-huh. Look, he's got some more right now."

The cook walked in at that point, arms laden with several brown paper bags. He settled himself on an old stool by the stove, his new favorite spot in the kitchen, and drew out pack after pack of boxed foods, piling them onto the counter next to him while he planned out their next meal. Falling quickly into his routine of jotting down notes in his cookbooks while he ate, he did nothing unusual, strange, or out of the ordina-

"What are you eating?"

"Hm?" Sanji looked up and realized that he was not alone in the galley. "Oh, just a few slices of blackened toast and spread with marmite and yogurt. A jar of pickles. And some leftover ham and avocado from last week."

Chopper blinked.

"Let me handle this, Chopper." Brook tapped his fingers together, trying to figure out how to phrase his question tactfully. "Um, Sanji-san…you wouldn't happen to have a…um, _bun_ in the oven, if you catch my drift?"

Franky, Nami, and Usopp shot him a disbelieving glare, but Sanji didn't even look up from his notebook. He wiped the corner of his mouth with a napkin before answering.

"Several, actually. Wait a bit and I'll let you have one."

Chopper looked like he was torn between rambling about how that was completely illogical and inconceivable (pun _fully_ intended) and panicking over his apparently delicate 'condition'. Did he know that it was biologically impossible? When…how did this happen? Who had convinced him that he was capable of such a thing? Why hadn't Sanji _told_ him?

Sanji crunched on an ice chip, brow furrowed in confusion. "No, Chopper; I did not know that it was biologically impossible for me to have buns in the oven. It happened this morning, when I put together the right ingredients for this. My old man convinced me that I was 'capable of such a thing' when he took me in. I'm…sorry that I didn't notify you of it; they'll be ready soon?"

"You should have said something!" Chopper wailed, dashing over to the kitchen area. "You need proper nutrition, supplements, rest…oh my God, you're due any minute now?"

Sanji frowned but continued writing, taking stock of the food he had brought up from the stores earlier. "Listen for the timer, Chopper."

He patiently shifted so Chopper could climb onto the stool with him, letting the doctor lift his shirt and start prodding him with the stethoscope; everyone on the crew was already accustomed to this kind of impromptu examination. "Breathe in for me, Sanji…out. Okay, good. Again."

"Oh, this is so exciting," Brook exclaimed, clasping his hands together, while the others tried to follow along the current comedy of errors . "We'll need a crib, Mr. Shipwright, and clothes, toys, blankets…"

"You should write a song, Brook!" Luffy slammed his glass down and grinned widely, extending an arm to grab the musician's violin from the lounge area. "We can call it 'Meat the Baby!'"

"That's clever; a play on the words 'meat', which you so love, and 'meet', as in getting to know the new child." Robin smiled, her eyes twinkling in merriment. It was clear that she was enjoying the misunderstanding and the conversation it had led to.

The captain gave her an odd look. "No, I meant her name is going to be 'Meat'."

"How do you know it's going to be a girl?" Usopp demanded, upset at the idea that he might have to revise his tales of the brave warrior's daring adventures. "Wait, there aren't even going to be any buns!"

"Everyone, shhh! I need to hear the timer!"

Sanji chuckled softly, trying to ignore the ticklish feeling along his bare stomach as Chopper pressed himself as close as possible and listened earnestly for a timer. "I'm pretty sure everyone's going to be able to hear it, Chopper."

When the timer went off, everyone panicked. Brook, Usopp, and Luffy jumped up and rushed to the cook's side, nearly knocking the table over in their haste. Robin, Nami, and Franky saved their breakfast from spilling all over the floor and the dozing Zoro in the corner (who hadn't woken up even when Sanji's hoarse, grating yells had called the rest of them in to eat). Poor Chopper just screamed once and then froze up; all of his medical experience failed him on this occasion, and when he tried to figure out how he was going to deliver a baby from a male body (babies, he had mentioned 'several', right?), his mind completely blanked.

Sanji strolled past everyone with a cheerful whistle, slipping on a pair of oven mitts and removed a piping hot tray of hot cross buns from the rack. He nearly dropped the entire tray when the crew cheered, and he whirled around to find everyone staring at him expectantly. "Congratulations, Sanji!"

"…okay." He forced a smile on his face and grabbed one of the rolls before turning around and making his way to the navigation room with a grimace. Whatever they had, he hoped that it wasn't contagious.

Nami watched the cook head to her office to hang his traditional 'safe sailing' charm at the doorway. "I think we sufficiently frightened him, guys. Good job."

"You ought to have your medical license revoked," Usopp grumbled, and Chopper winced.

"I…um, I actually don't have a license." His voice was really small and choked.

Usopp stared at him with wide eyes. "You…lied to me?"

"Does it matter if he was trained by a doctor?" Luffy wondered aloud. "Even if the old hag is even scarier than getting sick."

"…she's not licensed either."

The navigator inhaled deeply. "It's fine; I didn't expect anything else from Kureha."

Franky looked at Chopper's shamefaced expression and sighed. "While we're on the topic, I guess I should let you all know that I'm not a certified shipwright. Sorry."

Nami's face turned white. "What?"

"I kinda failed all my assessments every year, on account of 'blatant disregard for engineering and safety regulations' and 'obnoxious, liberal use of colloquialisms on blueprints and architectural drafts'. Whatever _that's_ supposed to mean."

"Safety? Regulations? Disregard?" Usopp whimpered.

"Maybe that's why Iceburg wanted me off Water 7 so badly. So un-super."

"I'm not a licensed pirate!" Luffy shouted, looking nervous and ashamed. "I'm sorry, everyone. I just really wanted to be Pirate King."

"Luffy, there is no license for a pirate." Nami rubbed her temples wearily. "Would anyone else care to confess their illegal career status?"

Brook and Usopp raised their hands, and Nami gave them a withering glare. Robin raised her hand and said, "I'm an accredited scholar of history and archaeology, of twenty years and ongoing."

"Thank you, Robin. At least _some_ of us are who we claim to be."

"Then again, considering the institution I obtained my credentials from is no longer existent, their validity is likely null and void."

Nami's face fell. "Oh."

"Legally, I shouldn't even be handling rubber bands," Usopp muttered to himself, "since I shot that ambassador's eye out that one time."

"I'm just a street performer who used to play the congas in my hometown!" Brook sobbed, clutching his violin to his chest. "A common, vagrant _busker_!"

"Does the Pirate King need a license?"

"The One Piece probably counts as enough of a license, doesn't it?" Sanji leaned against the doorway with a wry smile. "Now, have we had enough of certification crises and pregnancy scares for today?"

Chopper shuffled over and rested his forehead against Sanji's legs. "I'm sorry, Sanji; I could have killed you with my medical misdiagnosis."

"That's kind of doubtful, but it's fine. No harm done."

"I was going to put a scalpel through your diaphragm," Chopper whispered, and the cook's eyes rolled skyward. He seemed to be muttering some kind of prayer, but he quickly recovered and knelt down next to the doctor.

"What on earth made you think there was a rat in my kitchen?" Upon seeing everyone's horrified expressions, he quickly revised his statement. "Er, why did you think I was up the duff? In the family way. You know…_fermenting_."

"Why wouldn't we?" Brook gestured at his disgusting breakfast spread. "Picking out unappetizing foods, crunching on ice chips, eating pickles? That's not normal for you."

"That's not normal for anyone," Franky corrected, gagging at the smell of the open marmite jar.

"This? It's not like I can taste anything." Sanji dipped a spoon into the jar and waved it in front of them. "See?" He scooped a dollop of the stuff onto his tongue and rolled it around in his mouth. "Don't look at me like that; all of this is either past-dated or about to go bad, and I never let food go to waste. I'm just hoping to get a reaction from my taste buds, but my tongue's dead as a doornail."

"You eat all of our expired food?" Nami frowned. "Am I not giving you a big enough budget?"

"It's not like that, Nami-swan," he soothed. "It's more like they're past their 'freshness' date, but it's all completely safe. Stale, not as flavorful, but edible. The textures and sensations are kinda nice, though. I can almost pretend that I can still taste things."

There was a loud sniffle from the table, and then Luffy gave a great sob. "I'm _so_ sorry, Sanji. I promised to get you back to normal, but it's been weeks since we saw the guy and you can't taste _food _and I'm the worst captain_ ever _and I'm probably not gonna get extra _meat._"

"Luffy."

Sanji nodded at the navigator knowingly, and she drew out a newly sketched map with their most current coordinates, marked notably with a great 'X' labeled 'Boogerman's whereabouts.'

"Don't tell me you gave up already, captain."

Luffy's eyes lit up. He cracked his knuckles and grinned dangerously. "Nope. Guys, let's get going."

As the others made a dash for the door after their captain, Sanji turned to their final, forgotten crew member, who had been surprisingly quiet this whole time. "Oi, Moss-for-brains, get your lazy ass up."

Zoro woke up with a start, and he looked around in a post-sleep haze. "Grandma?"

A well-aimed, well-polished loafer jerked him out of his confusion. "What the hell, g-"

He blinked. "Shit-cook?"

"I'm not your grandma, stupid." Sanji scowled and snatched his shoe off the ground, sitting down next to the swordsman to shove it back onto his foot. "And is that really how you used to speak to her?"

"Shut up, idiot; I just woke up." Zoro looked away with a huff, cheeks aflame and face abashed. "Besides-she-talked-just-like-you."

Sanji almost didn't hear the second part; he had spoken so quietly and hurriedly that his words had slurred together. "Oh."

They sat in awkward silence, fidgeting uncomfortably and looking at everywhere in the room but at each other. After several long minutes, Zoro cleared his throat; he seemed to be working himself up to something. Hesitantly, he leaned close to the cook's ear and whispered something, and Sanji turned red. "Oh?"

"…uh-huh."

"…after dinner tonight, I have first watch. Make sure no one sees you head up."

They looked away with a blush. "Deal."

* * *

Smoker glared at his subordinate as though it would make the current situation disappear. Tashigi looked up at him pleadingly, holding Shigure's empty sheath and a crisp registration form in her white-knuckled hands. "Sir…"

"No."

"I need an entry for the competition. Please, it's my sword. How am I supposed to get it back otherwise?"

The Marine captain rubbed his forehead tensely. "Explain how you managed to lose your renowned _meito_ to some sleaze ball who plans to use it as a prize in a _dance contest_, officer."

She had the decency to look embarrassed. "There was a sword festival on the piers, and I bumped into a few people while out there…I lost my glasses at one point, and then here we are."

He took a long, slow drag from his cigar. "It's hopeless, Tashigi. I don't dance and you…"

Tashigi frowned. "…you're _you_, if you get my meaning."

"Just say it, Smoker-san. I won't take offense."

"You're as coordinated as a fresh-faced cabin boy before he's got his sea legs...oh, come on; you said you wouldn't take it personally!"

It wasn't that she was _that_ offended at being called clumsy, but more that the idea that she might never get her sword back broke her heart. After everything she had gone through to rescue Shigure from the clutches of countless selfish, greedy thieves and rogues, she ended up losing it to some slimy conman at a casino island with no apparent way of getting it back. She stifled a sob. "I failed to protect my dream, sir! How can I not take it personally?"

His expression softened, and he patted her shoulder awkwardly, trying (and failing) to be comforting. "We'll put in the paperwork to get this whole scheme shut down. It might take months, but we can get it back in a legal, non-humiliating way-"

Smoker stopped when she grabbed his wrist with a gasp. "Smoker-san, look."

A smirk spread across his face when he caught sight of a very familiar hat from across the crowded casino, and he reached for Nanashaku Jitte. "Straw Hat, you're mine now."

Tashigi growled, "No, _look_. Smoker-san, they have a dancer."

The Marine captain raised an eyebrow. As if that wiggly noodle-limbed twitch could be called dancing. "Why the hell would I care about that? I'm taking that hooligan into custody."

She sighed heavily and followed her boss through the crowd, plotting out how she was going to be able to use this turn of events in their favor. Smoker might not like it, but they would have to cut a deal with the Straw Hats in order to get her sword back. It was not going to be easy, but she had no other choice. She had to get Shigure back from that creepy slimeball before it fell into even worse hands, like pirates or a damn antiques _dealer_. It was shameful that not a one of their men knew how to dance even the simplest waltz.

_Note to self: submit new proposal for mandatory dance classes for all new recruits and current active officers._

* * *

"For a lovely lady such as yourself, I would dance a thousand waltzes." Black Leg Sanji dropped into a low, sweeping bow and placed a light kiss on Tashigi's hand, and she grinned expectantly at her captain. _Piece of cake_, she mouthed.

Smoker scowled.

"Fine, I'll put our animosity on hold until after the competition so Black Leg can win back your sword. God, you put me through the most humiliating situations, officer."

He pointed at Luffy warningly. "But so help me, Straw Hat; as soon as your man places Shigure in my officer's hands, you're fair game."

Luffy dug around in his ear with his pinkie, already losing interest in the conversation. "M'kay, Chaser."

He gave the pirate a bewildered frown. "Smoker. My name is _Smoker_."

"That's not what your badge says."

"Tashigi…" Smoker glared at his altered badge. "What is the meaning of this?"

His subordinate was busy filling in the registration form and trying to get Sanji to stop fawning over her long enough to place his signature at the bottom of the page. "That would be HQ, sir. They said the Marines need a new, family-friendly image in order to whitewash our unsavory history with the public. It's a PR thing."

"How the hell is 'Chaser' even a legitimate option? I'm going to slaughter the lot of those pasty-faced asses the next time we're at Marineford."

The Marine captain took a deep breath and lit up two of his trademark cigars, puffing angrily around them. "Whatever, just get Pretty Boy up on stage so we can get this over with." He raised a brow at Sanji's lovesick prattling.

"You sound like a thug, kid." Sanji glowered at him. "Seriously, sixteenth century poetry ain't pretty coming from a gangster's mouth."

"Good thing it's not a singing contest, huh, guys?" Usopp nudged Sanji and raised his brows glibly. "Huh, Sanji? Am I right?"

It was only between the combined efforts of Nami and Robin that they managed to save Usopp from getting his face rearranged. Zoro was glad that he was no longer the only one on the receiving end of the cook's rage. The girls shoved the placid, swooning Sanji onto the dance floor just in time for the contest to begin.

"He's got this in the bag," Franky smirked, watching him sweep the floor with several of his competitors. Literally. Who knew that ballroom dancing could be so intense?

Tashigi looked hopeful. "You think so? Oh, break a leg, Black Leg!"

She found herself pinned under eight furious scowls, which she shrunk away from fearfully. Her boss rolled his eyes. "Calm down, idiots; it's an idiom."

"I know I am, but what are you? A jerk?" Luffy challenged.

Nami hauled Luffy away from the fuming Marine with a sigh. "It was poorly phrased, but it means 'good luck', Luffy."

"Well, thanks, but she should be wishing Sanji good luck, not me."

They were immediately interrupted by the host's announcement over the speakers.

_"And thus concludes the ballroom dancing portion of our contest at only forty-four seconds, with a mere two hundred contestants still standing. It looks like contestant number Seven really cleaned up the floor out there, folks. This rookie is light on his feet and has an effortless vitality in both mind and body. Just look at that grace."_

Sanji stared at the commentator with a bored expression, slouching into his customary gawky stance. _"What a charmer, folks. What a sport. But will he…and the rest of our career dancers, be able to survive the endurance portion of the contest?"_

Smoker nearly spit his drink into Luffy's face. "Endurance portion? Ha, I knew this setup was fishy! This is just perfect, Tashigi; I have so much criminal activity here that I don't even know who to arrest first: the ragtag pirate group, the Sneezing Bandit, or the illegal dance competition ring."

"What are you talking about?" Usopp glanced up from dabbing at his split lip (though it had already stopped bleeding and he was just milking the doctor's attention for all that it was worth). "You're going to arrest people for having…wait, you know about the Snotman?"

Luffy straightened up and accidentally rammed his head into Zoro's chin. "Ouch. Where's that bastard, Chaser?"

"_Smoker_. And that's none of your business, because by the end of the week he'll be in Marine custody, got it?" He paused when the announcer listed off the simple rules of the contest above the din in the casino.

_"Endurance round: five minute breaks at every hour, fifteen in the evenings, last one standing wins. No time limit on this round; do what you must to stay in the competition."_

"See?" Smoker shook his head in disgust. "These types of competitions are illegal for a very good reason, and you just heard it. They put those poor fools out there through grueling elimination contests, and yes, Roronoa, it _is_ more brutal than it sounds, so stop laughing. I've seen these go on for months on end."

"Months?" Chopper looked concerned. "That sounds medically hazardous."

"Extremely," Tashigi nodded, looking at her hands as she fidgeted nervously. "There have been reports of hallucinations, mass hysteria, and even contestants falling into comas, on top of the obvious physical discomforts, of course. Maybe…your friend should drop out, just in case."

Zoro frowned. "What about your sword?"

"She's getting it back." Sanji reached over Luffy to grab a drink from the bar, downed the entire glass, and grimaced. "Dammit, still nothing. Anyway, you guys keep an eye out for Boogerman while I win back that sword for this delightful woman here."

"Are you sure you still want to do this?" Tashigi smiled hesitantly, afraid to get her hopes up. "I'm asking a lot of you."

Sanji dropped to one knee and pressed a hand to his chest with a heartfelt sigh. "_Mademoiselle_, I can think of nothing else I would rather do than to help you follow your dreams to collect priceless, dangerous bladed weapons from conmen and rogues."

Smoker snorted as Sanji strolled back onto the dance floor before the next round began. "He's a hopeless skirt-chasing romantic, isn't he?"

"He gets it from his mother," Luffy said with his mouth full of T-bone steak and rib eye roast, his fifth plate of solely meat dishes to the casino servers' dismayed looks. "Hey, is there any more meat in the kitchen?"

The servers blanched.

* * *

**Day six: **

"How are you holding up, Sanji?"

The cook glared at Usopp from where he lay sprawled under the table that they had chosen to camp out at during the competition and the search for the Sneezing Bandit. "Exactly the same as two goddamned minutes ago when you asked me the same goddamned question, Longnose."

Usopp flinched away. "Gee, sorry for showing my crewmate some concern. I guess I'm the absolute worst considering how much I've worried over you. I should just change my name to 'Most Horrible Friend in the World', on account of how worried I've been."

Sanji closed his eyes. "I'm sorry, Usopp. Sleeping for fifteen minutes at a time is a lot less feasible as a means of rest than those contest rule makers might think."

"Hey, it's fine." Usopp lifted his head onto his lap and smoothed out the lapels of his suit. "I'm not really taking it personally. Did putting your feet up help a little this time?"

"I'd rather take a hammer to my feet at this point. God, how many of those bastards are still out there?"

"About two-thirds of the original number of contestants…oh, one more just dropped out."

Sanji groaned. "Fuuuuucccck."

**Day nineteen:**

Robin looked at the prone cook with a guilty twinge of fear and pity; he had walked off the stage at the time-out and just dropped facedown onto the lounge chair, knocked out before his head hit the cushions. He didn't even stir when she carefully turned his head to the side so that he could actually breathe while he was asleep. It was concerning, but at least he had trained himself to get the most out of every break they gave him, even if sometimes it was just five minutes at a time. These Spartan rules were probably thought up by someone incredibly sadistic, murderous, or both.

"No wonder the Marines want to shut them down; they might actually be more creative in their mass murdering ways than the government itself." She draped her coat over the snoring cook and settled back to catch up on her day's reading.

The alarm went off much too soon for her liking, and the cook seemed to share the sentiment. He rose slowly, shifting sore limbs up off the comfortable lounge and clambering onto sore legs that were refusing to do their job properly.

"Are you alright, Cook-san?"

He narrowed his eyes at her like he didn't recognize her for a moment. "Hm, yeah…can you get Zoro to carry me back out there?"

She had a feeling that this was not going to end well. "If you're certain…"

"Another question: why am I always the butt monkey on this sh-"

"Watch the wall, my friend."

Sanji swayed on his feet. "…ship. I was going to say ship, not show. Damn, I said it."

"It's alright." She slipped an arm around his waist and helped him step back onto the platform. "You're going to be fine, Sanji."

"I'm sorry about the wall."

"It's okay. There is no wall." Robin glanced at the screen and pressed a finger to her lips with a smile. You found yourself slightly unnerved by the entire exchange, but the moment passed quickly.

**Day forty:**

Tashigi had a horror-stricken expression on her face as she watched Zoro support a trembling, ashen-faced Sanji over the toilet bowl, the sounds of his awful vomiting echoing in the bathroom.

_"I'm so sorry."_

Smoker didn't look up from the paper he was reading in the next stall. "Piece of cake…right, officer?"

"I want cake." Sanji's weak voice drifted up from somewhere in the porcelain bowl. Chopper looked at him with a critical eye. "Blood glucose is dropping again, huh? Wait here, Zoro; I'm going to go grab something."

"What's the point? He'll just throw it back up," Zoro grunted, hoisting Sanji into his lap and reluctantly rubbing his back while he heaved and gasped for breath. "And what the hell are you doing in here, Tashigi? This is the men's room."

"Oh." The young woman stared blearily at the open stall from which the swordsman was glaring at her. That explained why she kept bumping into angry, burly men in the women's restroom. She wondered where she had left her glasses this time.

"Your glasses are on your head."

Oh. Tashigi reached up for them and perched them on the bridge of her nose, just in time to get an eyeful of several men with their pants opened at the urinals. The glasses came back off, and she wandered silently towards the general direction of the door. She hoped.

**Day forty-two: **

"Stop vomiting; there's nothing _left_-"

_Retch_.

"…. I stand corrected. There's your kidney."

The only reply he got was a round of violent coughing. "Well done, cook; that was impressive."

"…do you think Chopper can put that back inside?"

**Day "Oh-fuck-we-stopped-counting-at-the-point-where-we-actually-began-to-fear-for-our-cook's-life":**

Nami listened to Chopper's report with a deepening frown. She shared a look with Luffy and shook her head. "We'll have to call everything off; by the time we win the sword back or find the Boogerman (which is more and more unlikely with every passing day), we won't even have a cook to cure anymore."

Luffy nodded. "You heard her, Chaser. Our alliance is over, and we've gotta go. Tell Tashigi that we're sorry, but I kind of value my friend over a piece of metal."

"Smoker. And what the hell do I care? I'm going to arrest you either way; you breaking our agreement means that I can finally stop acting civil with you and take you in." Smoker blew out a cloud of smoke into Luffy's face and sneered. "You won't escape this time, Straw Hat."

"Guys! Oi, bros, listen up!" The Straw Hats shipwright came dashing in with Brook and Usopp, just in time to receive both Smoker's and Luffy's attacks from either side. The musician and the sniper ducked away before they could get hit too, but Franky was not so lucky.

Luffy held his hand up and called a time out, to Smoker's annoyance. "Hey, what's up, Franky?"

"…we….found…snot…guy…"

The entire group jumped to their feet and sprinted out of the casino, only remembering to go back for the shipwright and their weapons after the first five minutes. They were restless, riled up, and more than ready for this long-awaited encounter. What could go wrong?

* * *

"Well, that went quite differently than how I imagined it." Brook held onto his skull weakly through the seastone coated net, trying to ignore the vertigo he was experiencing as they swayed back and forth over the bubbling vault beneath them. "Captain, was this also part of the plan?"

"What plan?" Luffy choked, wiggling his limp arms around in an attempt to stop them from stretching too far and dipping into the toxic looking green slime in the tank below. Zoro did his best to help, but then his swords slipped out between the gaps and clattered out of his reach onto the ground by the vault. "Shit, I could have used those."

"Unbelievable." Smoker was astounded that these idiots always managed to escape the law time after time. From their incredible combined bounties and crimes, he expected so much more than this, but then he actually spoke to them and knew better. "You are all a crime against common sense, the lot of you."

The Sneezing Bandit chuckled and looked up at them. "Ha, it looks like you fell right into my trap, fools. You even brought me the fearsome Captain Smoker as a gift!"

"Shut up, bastard. I came of my own accord."

He smirked. "So, you mean to say that you were fooled by my set-up as well?"

"…shut up!" Smoker heard a stifled giggle from behind him and gave the guilty party a swift kick in response.

"Ow…" Usopp whimpered and rubbed his arm weakly. "Franky, he kicked me!"

"And what the heck do you expect me to do?" The shipwright winced as his arm was twisted further underneath his weight and that of Chopper and the girls; they tried to look apologetic, but he knew that they were anything _but_ sorry. Whatever, at least they were safe and unhurt, if a little uncomfortable. "Oi, Marine scum; leave our Longnose alone."

"Make me, _Cyborg_."

"Oh, you wanna _go_, prejudiced bigot? Just wait until we get down from here; I'll-"

"You'll all be my perfect Mucus-based lifeforms by the time I let you out of that trap." Boogerman laughed at their horrified expressions. "Have you been listening to anything I said in the last forty minutes?"

They stared back blankly.

"…you…haven't, have you?"

Robin shifted so that she could look at the Sneezing Bandit, and her hand 'slipped' towards Franky's crotch. Ignoring his pained yelp, the archaeologist summarized the villain's rambling monologue. "Basically you're upset that we stole your treasure hoard and are going to use your Booger-booger fruit powers to convert our bodies into mucus-derived organisms, thereby forever destroying our carbon-based lifeforms as your revenge. Is that correct?"

"Ew, I don't want to be turned into a Booger person!" Nami cried and hugged Usopp. "I'm too cute for that!"

"Me too!" the sniper wailed, sobbing into her shoulder inconsolably. "What will my mother think?"

"It's too late for that," Boogerman said, pulling on the lever that was slowly lowering them inch by inch into the roiling green ooze. "You only have your own greed to blame for your fate."

The net suddenly jolted and slipped away from the arm of the crane holding them up, and they plummeted toward their green, slimy fate with a scream.

"NOOOOOOooooo…" Usopp's howl petered off last, and he found everyone frowning at him impatiently, waiting for him to realize that they had stopped falling. "What…oh."

Sanji stood crouched over the jib, holding the rope down with his foot while he and the Boogerman squared off. The tension in the air was palpable, and everyone swallowed audibly.

The Sneezing Bandit mentally checked off another item on his villainous schedule. "So, you made it past my army of goons and minions. Predictable."

"My friends are crying, Boogerman." Sanji leveled a stony glare on the Sneezing Bandit, who found this whole situation completely unimpressive. "It goes without saying that I don't appreciate what you did to them."

"Sanji!" Luffy twisted his head around in order to look up in his direction. "How'd you survive the dance contest? You were half dead when we…left…you…oh, wow. I forgot about you at the casino."

The cook bristled at Luffy's question. "Oi, that's right; you bastards left me to die out there! What the hell?"

"Pity," Zoro muttered, though he was secretly relieved to see him still up and breathing. "So, how are you still alive after two months of nonstop dancing?"

Sanji gave a chuckle and shook his head. "You guys will never believe it, but there's actually some kind of perception-altering gas in the atmosphere around the casino. What we thought were weeks and months going by were just minutes and seconds. I was actually only dancing for three hours! Isn't that hilarious?"

Franky gaped at him. "You almost _died_."

"I know; I must be more out of shape than I thought." Sanji frowned at his midsection. "I need to start smoking again or something. I've packed on at least a kilo or two."

Smoker felt a headache coming on. "Why is it whenever I finally nab you criminals we always end up captured together and it's always _this_ buffoon breaking us out?"

"It's a Straw Hat thing, I think," Usopp shrugged. "Oi, Sanji; so did you win the contest?"

Sanji cocked his head. "Um, _no_? I did what we always do in these types of situations: I took names, kicked ass, and stole Shigure for Tashigi-san. The Marines can handle the cleanup and legal stuff, I guess."

"Why couldn't you morons do that in the first place?" Smoker ground out between clenched teeth, feeling his blood pressure rising. "You are _pirates_."

"You didn't ask," Luffy said simply before turning back to his crewmate. "Hey, Sanji; get us down from here. I'm really dizzy."

"Sure thing, cap-"

"Step out of the way, Black Leg. You weren't the one I meant to attack over on the mountain, but I won't make any exceptions if you keep protecting that red-haired little miser over there."

"Me?" Nami yelped, hiding behind Robin and Usopp. "What did I do?"

"Well, you were the one who really wanted all of his treasure," Chopper piped up. "Maybe he thinks that you need to be punished."

"That's right; the shrill-voiced wench and the guy with the vacant look on his face are the ones who took my hoard. But none of you seem to be any less blameworthy. You can suffer as a whole with the two loons."

Sanji inhaled sharply. He straightened from his crouch slowly, eyes narrowed dangerously at the Sneezing Bandit. The steel rope began to meld with the arm of the crane under the intense heat from his foot, though he wasn't ready to go full _Diable Jambe_ yet.

"Um, Sanji-kun," Nami said sweetly, trying to keep the panic out of her voice. "Please don't burn through the only thing keeping us above the nasty green boogers in the vault."

With an uncharacteristic laugh, the cook leapt down and landed on the rim of the container, shoving his hands into his pockets. "I don't know this Sanji you're talkin' about. The name's Sanjino, of the Baratiezzo family, next in Don Zeffaele's line to take over the business, eh?"

Brook scratched his head. "Did…we just switch genre?"

"Watch the fourth wall, Brook-san," Robin muttered, finally giving Franky some respite by moving off of his crotch and onto his chest. "We've been through this, everyone."

Boogerman scowled. "Oh yeah, Sanjino? What the hell's your beef?"

"My beef?" Sanji jerked his thumb back at the captured Smoker plus eight in the seastone net. "You're not blind, Moccioso. I know you can see those guys up there; you know who they are?"

"A bunch of numbskulls?"

Sanji smiled at him like he was looking at a child, but with a lot more condescension. "Those _numbskulls_ are my crewmates. That couple of _loons_ are my captain and navigator. Do you understand?"

Luffy was grinning blankly. "Oh, he's pissed."

"They are my comrades, my friends, my family, and you do not get to touch my family, _capisci_? Even damn Chaser is off limits."

"For the last fucking time, my name is _Smoker_."

Boogerman crossed his arms and leaned against the lever. "So, what are you gonna do about it? I'm not planning on letting them go, _bastardo_."

"…alright, my friend. Here's the thing: I don't care what you're plannin' to do. I've got other things in mind. See, I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse."

The other man's interest was piqued. "Keep talking."

Sanji gestured at the slope overlooking the sea. "Walk with me."

Nami watched them stroll off together, holding an incredibly civil conversation for two men who had just moments earlier looked ready to go at each other's throats. Then, she remembered where they were. "They're leaving us here."

"Oh, God. Why is no one rescuing us?" Usopp whimpered, looking down at the bubbling vault.

"I want beef, Zoro." Luffy's head lolled against the swordsman's chest. "And I'm still dizzy."

"Not now, Luffy."

"I hate you all," Smoker said in the dead, hopeless tone of an Impel Down prisoner.

Chopper peered out between the gaps in the net, doing his best to ignore the feeling of his energy being sapped by the seastone. "Hey, Sanji's leaving himself open to an attack over there…Sanji, look out!"

Boogerman got ready to attack, but Sanji just smirked and kept his back to him. "Tashigi, now."

The Marine officer cut through the bandit with a confident swipe of Shigure, and he hit the ground with a heavy thud. She frowned down at her blade. "Well, that was anti-climatic."

Sanji's eyes widened. "Don't-"

"So, you thought you'd get rid of me so easily, huh?"

Tashigi rolled her eyes and readied her sword. "You just fell a couple of seconds ago; of course I didn't expect it to be that easy."

"We were close," Sanji mourned, taking a fighting stance at her side and pretending that he wasn't still sore from his dance to the death at the drug-polluted casino. "Why couldn't you let it be?"

"Belt up, Black Leg; this kind of exercise is good for you. We'll have him in custody in no time at all."

"Tch, I still have a few tricks up my sleeve, officer." Boogerman raised his hand palm up and then clutched it into a fist. "Relapse."

Sanji fell to his knees as the cold rear its ugly head again, and he let out a low groan when he felt a fever spike. "W-what's going on? How d-did…?"

Usopp's eyes widened when he put two and two together. "His cold…the rumors weren't talking about an insect on the mountain, were they? That 'mystery bug' was the illness you gave him, right?"

Tashigi backed away slowly when Boogerman smirked and turned towards her. "That's right, and there's no way that any of you can escape it. If you don't end up as Mucus-things then I'll just ruin your lives with an incurable virus."

"You don't really want to do that, right?" She held her sword defensively and stepped in front of Sanji, unwilling to yield the villain any more ground. "It's messy and unsanitary and…"

"Tashigi." She glanced down at Sanji, who was fighting off a fit of chills while he hunched over on the floor. "The plan..."

"Do you think you can still handle the plan, Black Leg?"

He chuckled between wheezing gasps. "Yeah, I guess. Just try to hurry; I can only promise you five minutes."

"Good, I only need two."

She drew her sword and cut her way past the Sneezing Bandit, whose body quickly reformed around her attacks, and the Marine darted down the slope toward the beach, vanishing from the bandit's line of sight. "She can run, but in the end, I'll catch her," he grumbled, turning back to his easier prey.

Sanji had managed to get back on his shaky legs and got ready to face him head on. With his pale face, splotchy cheeks, and feverish panting, he looked as if a breeze could knock him over.

"I almost feel bad about all of this," the bandit said, rearing his fist back in order to attack him. "I mean, you only just ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time. Your cold should have belonged to that stupid airhead captain of yours, or the greedy redhead."

Sanji sneered. "Just give me everything you've got, bastard."

Nami buried her face in her hands, wincing as she heard the blows begin to land. "That idiot, is he trying to play the hero?"

"Abandon your damn ambitions, stupid!" Zoro looked at her incredulous look. "What? I always wanted to yell that at him since Mihawk at the Baratie."

"You're an ass."

"So is he."

Nami thought about it for a moment. "Can't argue with that."

Sanji lay in an aching, battered mess at Boogerman's feet, silently willing himself to get back up so that he could be beat down again. What was the plan again? God damn it, where was Tashigi?

When he managed to stand back up, the Sneezing Bandit shook his head. "Just stay down, would you? I still have to take care of the rest of your crew, and I missed lunch today because of this whole circus charade."

"You haven't had lunch?" His eyes widened. "As a cook, I find that highly unacceptable."

"Oh yeah? Then just keel over and die already."

"I'll…do something better." He had to struggle to remain upright, but it didn't matter because he could see Tashigi approaching out of the corner of his eye. His part was coming to an end. Finally. "Oi, you smell that? (I can't, because of a certain someone's damned sneeze)...but _if you smell_ _what I'm cooking-_"

Sanji ducked under his attack and swung his leg in a powerful arc at the man's chest, knocking him off the face of the slope. He flew through the air and landed with a loud splash in the enormous pool of soup on the Marine ship, sending a spray shooting into the sky before it settled.

Sanji smirked. "Get served, you bastard."

Everyone groaned. "Get out," Franky yelled, giving him two thumbs down.

The cook gave them a sullen glare. "Oh come on, that was a good one. I worked on it all week!"

Tashigi was coming up the slope toward him when the bandit sailed over her head, and she let out a whoop of victory. "That was a perfect shot, Black Leg! Hey, are you okay?"

She grabbed his arm to steady him. "You look like you could use a bowl of that soup right about now."

"Probably." Sanji stared tiredly down at the giant soup bowl and wondered what inane part of his fever-addled mind had conceived the idea of stopping Boogerman with chicken noodle soup. It was probably the same part that thought over-curling his eyebrows had been a good idea. He ought to patent these things; they were _genius._

"Sanji?" The cook fell forward, and she tried to catch him before he toppled over the edge of the cliff, but then her glasses got caught on his cufflinks and her vision was suddenly jerked away. There was a second splash as Sanji joined the Sneezing Bandit in the soup pool, and Tashigi was left grasping blindly at thin air.

"My glasses!"

"Incredible." Smoker hung his head and began to fear for the future of the Marines against the pirate threat (but then again, if the pirates were anything like the Straw Hats, then the world might not survive the future). Everyone in the net remained quiet, too scared to break the tense silence.

Luffy sniffled. "I think I have to sneeze."

* * *

**A/N:** Anticlimatic, huh? I guess nothing was really resolved, but I still have a wrap-up of sorts coming up. This stupid thing got so much longer than I ever wanted, but maybe it will make this not as big a disappointment as I thought. Okay, so no one really believes that. At least I'll be moving back to my other projects now, which probably comes as a great relief to everyone. (Please direct all complaints to my person via private message at my inbox. Or just shove your fist through the screen. That works too.)


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note:** Here it is, the final installment of an ill-fated parody written partly as a means of distraction while sick and drugged up but mostly because the author has a horrible sense of humor. Let this stand as evidence that twenty thousand words of drivel comes much easier than writing a serious, well thought out story, at least in this author's experience.

The format here is a script-based interview style mess, in the form of one poor journalist's quest to get the whole story from the Straw Hats on their current misadventure. Be warned, there are some hinted pairings in this chapter (as in all my works, if you look hard enough); if you are not a fan of Franky/Robin or Luffy/Zoro, please skip the sections labeled "On Romance" and "On [Franky's] thing with Nico Robin", for your own sake. Also, skip the mpreg sections if you so wish; you lose nothing from the story if that isn't your cup of tea.

* * *

**Twenty excerpts from a hard-hitting beat writer's notebook, and one epilogue:**

**On the "Plan" (Tashigi and Sanji)**

How did we decide to fight a Boogerman with chicken noodle soup? Um, you'll have to ask Black Leg; he made a very convincing argument back at the casino. (Tashigi)

The Plan? Well, think about it. What's the one food that everyone eats when they're sick? Mama's homemade chicken noodle soup. It's foolproof…yeah, it made more sense when we were on the hallucinogens. Hey, Tashigi…you still getting the munchies? (Sanji)

…yes. I'm worried. (Tashigi)

Me too…damn, I can't believe I ruined a perfectly good soup by kicking a Mucus-powered villain into it…I'm going to go eat it. (Sanji)

_(At this point, the interview had to be postponed in order to prevent Mr. Black Leg from throwing himself back into the now-cold broth. He was very adamant about the fact that it could still be considered food and that it was a 'crime against humanity, cooking, and [his] very cute pot warmers' to throw away the contaminated soup.)_

**On the crew's new handle (Usopp)**

Yeah, we're the Usopp Pirates now…hehehe, the captain made it official the other night. 'It is law.' Wow, I get chills just thinking about it. I mean, our flag is still the same, and I'm still just the sniper, but we carry my name! People are starting to recognize us as the Usopp Pirates! I'm going places, man. _(He looked at me with an excited, nervous laugh.)_ I am going places.

**On his grandmother (Zoro)**

She was a trash-talking, moody, but cunning old woman, the Machiavellian type, if you know what I mean. A real unpleasant person to come across, and I had to live with her for years. It's why the cook and I clashed so badly early on; he just reminds me too much of her at times. When he caught that cold and his voice changed…well, can you blame me for confusing the two? It's like she sent her voice back from the grave to haunt me again.

…ahaha, I loved that woman. Nasty as a bat out of hell, but she kind of grows on you. You come to enjoy that kind of antagonistic relationship. When she died, it shocked all of us. I thought she was going to live forever, and then out of the blue she was just gone. You know she outlived her daughter and son-in-law and three of her grandchildren? _(Perhaps noting the confusion on my face, he paused and elaborated.)_ …my cousins. Sword swallowers on a traveling circuit. They caught syphilis or something. Oh, you don't want to know what they were doing with their swords…no, I don't want to know either. Shut up. Anyway, she died a month ago, while the crew and I were in Thriller Bark. Strange, it still doesn't feel real, but I guess I should be happy that she didn't suffer. She went the way that she lived: cantankerous, vile, and making everyone around her miserable as hell. I just thought that…excuse me, I need a moment…_I said I need a fucking minute, stop taking pictures, you bastard!_

**On gold (Nami)**

That whole mountain Snotman adventure made me rethink my values. Yes, I am a changed woman; wouldn't you reconsider your life choices if you were this close to getting turned into a Booger person? Anyway, I think I'm done with hidden pirate treasure. Too many crazy super-powered hoarders guarding those loots. I'll be sticking to legal tender for a while…ah, in Belis we trust!

**On the World Government's PR (Smoker)**

Chaser. Tch, what a joke. You know who I think censored my goddamned name? Drinker (_pronounced Dree-uhn-keh_), my old rival from Marine boot camp. Simpering brown-nosing bastard. He was always jealous of me; you know, me being on active duty and all, while he got stuck with the desk job at Marineford. I mean, it's understandable. I'm actually out on the field, working to change things. Making a difference in the world, you know. It feels good, actually…no, don't write that down, I sound like one of those baby-faced, idealistic recruits at the training grounds. Cross that out, I have a reputation to uphold. _That's it; get off my ship before I have you hauled to the nearest penitentiary!_

**On romance aboard a pirate ship (Franky)**

There is no romance aboard the Thousand Sunny. Everyone's either underage or completely crazy…or dead. What? The thing between me and Nico Robin? I don't know what you're talking about. Nothing's going on between the archaeologist and me. Our relationship is strictly platonic, between two amiable, level-headed, mature crewmates. I am not reading this off a cue card. Please leave me alone; she has my crotch in her hands again. Go _away_.

**"Meat" the Baby (Brook and Luffy)**

Meat

the

Baby

So delicious and so cuddly

Little

Button

Nose

And lots of yummy tasty meat

I'm so hungry

I could eat the fridge lock again

But instead I'll-

_(Note: The rest of the song lyrics have been redacted due to unfortunate cannibalistic implications.)_

**On dance marathons (Sanji)**

_(Subject made some extremely rude and obscene hand gestures at the reporter and stormed away, leaving the news team with only a string of un-publishable expletives and threats.) _

**On new methods of cooking (Sanji)**

Textures are amazing. Like…losing my sense of taste and smell opened up a world of possibilities to me. Without knowing what my own cooking tasted like anymore, I had to get creative and rely on other ways to spice up my food, figuratively speaking. Crunchiness, creaminess, velvety, and grainy…there was more to cooking than I had imagined. I lost myself in the mouthfeel of it all. That's quite a word, huh? Mouthfeel. Wow. It's…sensual.

My crew _loves_ it. I'm adding a level of playfulness to their meals when before the dinner table was all 'food and no play'. My next goal is to incorporate a new way of recreational drinking. Alcohol through all your senses. Sight, touch, sound…I'm working on one that can be absorbed through your skin. Mosshead says it's stupid, but I'm positive that I can win him over. N-not that I care about what that Neanderthal thinks about my food at all. Is this still on the record? Shit.

**On romance, cont'd (Franky)**

No comment.

**On his thing with Nico Robin (Franky)**

Seriously? I said _go away_.

**On rehab (Tashigi)**

…I failed my division's biweekly drug test. _(She looked extremely uncomfortable, and I asked if she would like to reschedule her interview for a later date or a different topic.)_ No, it's fine. I'm just…I can't believe that my spotless record was ruined by a misguided trip to a dance competition. I didn't even know there were drugs in there, honestly!

It's really upsetting. People are looking at me differently, like I'm a good girl gone bad. At least, that's what Doge Muchpaus said, among other things…I'm not telling you what he said; it's inappropriate. Anyway, I was given two weeks in rehabilitation. That was an experience.

…I met half of the Shichibukai in there. Really. And they said the other half was just skipping out on this week's meeting…yes, Mihawk was there, and I learned the real reason that his epithet is "Hawk Eyes". Let's just say his pupils don't normally look like that. Yes, I'm telling you that he's high as a kite most of the time. No, don't put that in, I thought we were off the record!

Fine, put it in; I don't care anymore. The state of the world government is highly concerning and it looks to be going downhill at a breakneck pace. No wonder Smoker-san stopped caring years ago…am I becoming jaded?

_(Note: Black Leg Sanji could not be reached for comment. Further updates as events progress.)_

**On romance, cont'd (Robin)**

_(Nico Robin gave me a cool, tranquil smile and leaned back in the armchair, folding her hands over the dusty tome in her lap. Her spare limbs were not in sight, a great relief to this reporter.)_

I cannot imagine where you would get such an idea. Franky and I are simply friends. End of discussion. Now, our captain and first mate are a completely different story. It is not unusual to end up wearing our Luffy around the neck or shoulders like a scarf; he is a tactile, affectionate person. Note, however, that the swordsman is the one who least complains about this. His patience for the boy is incredible and sometimes uncharacteristic, and they often sleep together like that. As in, the actual act of resting unconscious at night. Please refrain from making such lewd, inappropriate commentary. Our shipwright will not appreciate hearing of this.

…so, are we an 'item'? _(Her lips quirked into a genuine, teasing smile, and there was a definite gleam in her dark blue eyes.)_ I don't know, reporter-san; you tell me.

**On male pregnancy (Chopper)**

_(Subject was found in the Straw Hats' on-ship infirmary, holding a scalpel in one trembling hand, while the other drew what appeared to surgical guidelines on the patient's bare, flat, distinctly not pregnant abdomen. He was in the Zoan transformation they call his 'Heavy Point'. The scalpel looked comically tiny in his hands.)_

It's okay, Sanji. You may not have the proper anatomical support and reproductive organs required to sustain your child's life, but I can save her. Hold still, I'll try not to take too long, but these types of procedures can get lengthy, you know. Ahaha, well, you're already missing one of your kidneys, maybe that'll give us some room to work with. Oh my God, I think I'm having hand tremors.

_(Black Leg Sanji gave him an incredulous glare and addressed this reporter, telling me to get him out of this surgery room post-haste or he would 'have [my] head, and the doctor's head, and the first mate's head as well, for good measure'. I refrained from taking action, too shocked by the apparent Caesarean taking place in front of me.)_

Don't worry, I won't give up until either you or the baby have passed out from this procedure. Then I will give up and cry. The mortality rates for this sort of thing are obscenely high, but I'm confident that you'll survive the blood loss, internal damage and trauma, and the horrific pain long enough to see your baby before she dies of compound lesions and injuries from being compressed within your abdominal cavity with no protection for her tiny, fragile body and your internal organs.

_(Black Leg turned his gaze toward me pleadingly, sweat beading on his brow as he said 'He's not even using anesthesia, for fuck's sake!')_

Okay, okay…I just start by making a small incision at the midline… _(The doctor broke down just then and began to weep uncontrollably, asking no one in particular why he had ended up with 'such a crazy, illogical crew who managed to commit such affronts to science and nature on a regular basis'. _

_Black Leg also began to sob and responded with 'I don't _know_, Chopper… just please put the scalpel down; I'm so fucking scared.' Neither of them looked any more mentally stable than the other, so I took that as my cue to run for assistance for the pair. From the looks of their psychotic break, life on the high seas is apparently as harsh as it seems.)_

**On the new Straw Hats (Brook and Franky)**

The excitement surrounding the arrival of the baby Straw Hats was rather short-lived. I myself was very disappointed all around; though I knew it was a medical impossibility, the thought of having a little baby Straw Hat running around the ship was just to my liking. I suppose I always wanted children, and in a way, I lived my dreams of being a parent through Sanji's tiny bundles of joy.

Our euphoria came to an abrupt end when Sanji devoured one of them upon returning to the ship after he regained his sense of taste and smell. Everyone was horrified. My dreams of the pitter patter of little feet on the Sunny's deck died in that moment. I…cannot forget. (Brook)

They were buns, Brook. Literally rolls of cooked dough. (Franky)

The mother shows no remorse in his actions. No feeling in his cold, black* eyes as he salivated over his children before swallowing them whole. I am alone in my mourning, and afraid. (Brook)

…that's it, I'm out of here. (Franky)

_(There was a skirmish in the galley at this moment, and the captain of the Straw Hats was chased out of the room with a horrible din, followed soon after by the doctor. They were shouting accusations of infanticide and cannibalism over their shoulder at the cook, who stormed out red-faced and fuming to give a terrifying shriek,: " For the love of God, I did not cannibalize my own children; _please_ stop calling child services on me!" This reporter soon had to flee the scene, for [my] own safety.)_

_*Confirmation of this statement is still pending. For unknown reasons, most of the Straw Hat Pirates' eye color is undetermined, with the exception of the women. Investigation into this strange phenomenon is underway and will be reported as research allows._

**On his deceased children (Sanji)**

_(He shook his head at me, eyes haunted and exhausted. I still cannot determine what color his irises are.)_

We can no longer have cake for any of our birthdays.

**On the Sneezing Bandit (Nami and Usopp)**

We cater for him now. Well, Sanji-kun does, and I manage his contracts.

…what? It pays well. Oh, I said I was through with treasure hoarders, didn't I? Well, I changed my mind. Money is money, and besides, he choked Sanji with his weird cold powers until he coughed up his other kidney (on a positive note, his kidneys fetched a lovely sum on the black market), so we caved. Business is going quite well, at any rate.

…he can live without kidneys, right? I'm sure he wasn't even using them. (Nami)

Do you know how contrived that whole 'mystery bug' thing was? It wasn't clever; it was just so forced and ill-thought out. All that build up for what? A cop-out ending? I didn't even get to take down a single Booger monster.

I am so angry.

Well, the soup thing worked, at least, and Sanji got his voice and senses back (though which senses they are is kind of debatable). He did lose his kidneys, though, and his dignity. Everyone thinks he's a baby eater and a thug. But he stopped smoking, so that's a plus. Something about how when he couldn't taste the smoke in his mouth it just felt like he was breathing really hot, painful air. I'm happy for him; he'll feel a lot better in the long run.

He still doesn't get along with Boogerman. And I'm still angry. (Usopp)

**On Sanji's kidneys (Chopper)**

Um, he's going to die. No, really; we've placed a couple of ads for a new cook in this week's paper. I'm not crying, that's just my aller…waaaahhhh…Sanjiiiii. _Uwaaahhhhh…_

_(The interview had to be cancelled after the subject dissolved into incoherent bawling and followed suit with a rampage through the studio in his Monster Point. He was inconsolable.)_

**On kicking his smoking habit (Sanji)**

All around, I'm a healthier, happier person now. It was really bringing me down, physically and emotionally, and my energy levels have never been better since I quit. I don't have to worry about lung cancer, or yellowing teeth and nails, or that awful stench that would cling to all my suits…Chopper says that the damage to my vocal chords should reverse on its own; no more smoker's rasp! I am not reading this off a cue card!

_(He stared at me with a vacant, pasted-on smile and managed to hold it for exactly three whole minutes. Then he interrupted our interview to tear open a fresh pack of Death brand cigarettes with a ravenous snarl and proceeded to light all of them simultaneously. Upon seeing my disapproving look, Black Leg huffed moodily around his cancer sticks and snorted smoke out of his nose like he was planning on giving dragons a run for their money. He is a terrible role model and we're cancelling the 'Smoke and You Die' rally at the local high school next week. Unbelievable.)_

**On the Baratiezzo Family (Zeffaele and Sanjino)**

_(This reporter managed to get [my] hands on a rare Black Den Den Mushi wiretap, courtesy of a friend of a friend, and as I tuned in to the right frequency, the distinct, melancholy melody of "Speak Softly Love" carried over the wavelengths. Then I heard the Don's voice.)_

So, you got your sense of taste and smell back, brat? Eh, it isn't going to help you get my position at the top; I'm still a hundred years ahead of you in terms of actual skill and talent. Tch, don't bother coming back until you've learned to be a real cook of the seas. (Don Zeffaele)

Shut it, old man. I'm goin' to be the Don someday and so God help me if you keep treatin' me like _un bambino_, none of those bastards is ever goin' to respect me, eh? Just die and give up your seat to me already. (Sanjino)

Don't expect me to do you any favors, string bean. The only reason the Baratiezzo still holds a great influence in the Sambas seas is because of me; could you handle that immense responsibility? (Don Zeffaele)

Damn it, did you forget the role I played in bringin' down Don Kriegatti half a year ago? And what about all them other times I defended the place with my own two hands, slavin' away behind the scenes in providin' protection for our turf and shakin' down our big-earners to make sure they paid up? Admit it; I'm a valuable asset to the family, and that's why you haven't got rid of me yet, Don. (Sanjino)

It's no secret that I'm fond of you, Sanjino, and that makes you vulnerable. Our position is unstable enough as it is, and I wanted you to be as removed as possible from the situation in case things went south. But you keep insisting, you damned little brat…as much as I want you to be safe, I'm glad you're not leaving us. I'm glad you're not leaving _me_. (Don Zeffaele)

You know I'd go down with the family, old man…and I'd never leave _you_. Face it, you're stuck with me for life. _(There was a pause in the audio, and then some ruffling came on over the line.) _By the way, boss; they've got a tap on our line. (Sanjino)

You think I don't know that, _bambino_? I already ordered a hit on that damn media beat. Your little _amante_ the Man Demon should be there right about now. (Don Zeffaele)

…Gino's coming? _(One could almost hear the smile in his voice.)_ Is he gonna have time to swing by the ship after he's done? (Sanjino)

Just don't let your nighttime escapades with your paramour make the papers tomorrow morning and I can keep pretending that he hasn't defiled your virtue yet. (Don Zeffaele)

Oh, Don. You know I haven't been celibate since the twenties came about. Progress and excess, they say. Times are changin'. You gotta loosen up a bit, eh? (Sanjino)

…couldn't you let me keep that precious, unsoiled image of you, Sanjino? (Don Zeffaele)

You're askin' this of the kid you raised on cutthroat business negotiations and shady underground dealings, old man. (Sanjino)

(_The Don's response was indistinct as the line went hazy and then cut out entirely. A shadow loomed behind me, holding the frayed end of the wires on my Black transponder snail; the other hand swung a huge silver tonfa-like weapon lazily at his side. As I hurriedly recorded as much of the exchange as I could remember onto the tape, I heard the weak strains of a violin in the background, and then- _

'So…sof-tly…lo-ooove….'

_Note: The remainder of the recording was unsalvageable, and the reporter on assignment went missing from his flat on Sabaody Heights the following morning. His whereabouts to this day are unknown.)_

* * *

**Epilogue: On Grandma Roronoa (Sanji and Zoro)**

The week winded down to a dull grind after the Sneezing Bandit's defeat, and with the media frenzy that greeted them on the casino island when they managed to get out of the thief's trap, everyone was more than ready for a break from the chaos and ridiculous situations that usually accompanied the crew of the Thousand Sunny. Still reeling from the excitement that the spotlight of the various news teams had put them in, they trudged off to bed, wondering why in the world they were still being followed by the press. Hadn't it been nearly a hundred chapters since the infamous Enies Lobby fiasco?

"Seventy," Robin had supplied helpfully, retreating to her room with the navigator for the evening. "Don't mind the people staring at us through the screen. They're relatively harmless."

"Did we reach Elbaf already?" Usopp wondered, letting go of Sanji's hand and shuffling off to bed with a yawn. The others soon followed him into their sleeping quarters, except for the cook who had volunteered to take the night watch again; it gave him the chance to have tomorrow free so he could try some new cooking techniques.

He climbed up to the crow's nest and settled in for the night, taking the first couple of hours to scan the horizon in all directions to pass the time. When the muscle fatigue in his limbs had ebbed away into a dull ache, he cleared the exercise equipment from the floor and slowly eased his way through some stretches to work it all out of his system. It was to be expected, he supposed, after what he had been put through in the endurance round at the competition. Three hours, though…how embarrassing. At least his friends had come back with him to help him win the contest after Boogerman was arrested (to be honest, they just danced around and plowed everyone else down to the ground until they were the last ones standing to take the prize money).

_The song switched to a fast-paced beat that had even the audience on their feet and dancing around on the floor. Everyone was caught up in the light, bouncy beat that by the time they noticed the Straw Hats, it was too late._

_Brook manned the band stand, directing his fellow musicians with a frantic pace that filled the casino with sound from top to bottom. Chopper bounced around at his feet, keeping a happy rhythm on his tambourine as he hopped from side to side to the music._

_Near the other end of the room, Franky performed his own version of dancehall style, flanked on either side by the lovely Nami and Robin. No one saw them shift into fighting stances; they were just that good._

_At the center of the floor stood the normally stoic Zoro, using the scabbard of one of his swords as a pole to anchor himself as he swayed lazily to the slower under-beat of the song. Behind him, the captain was giving the jive a unique, lively twist, involving some incredible flexibility and energy, and only paces away the sniper and cook were drawing a crowd of their own while they swung to the Lindy hop, each wearing a huge smile on his face as they danced._

_Then the first mate drew his sword out, and the Straw Hats went on a free-for-all, knocking their opponents over by whatever means necessary without harming them nor missing a single step until the song was over. For Zoro, this meant he had to use the back of his blade and its hilt, but he didn't seem to mind as he waved the sword over his head while he danced, only bringing it down when someone wandered into his personal bubble. Luffy had a blast sending his partners flying across the dance floor, while the others resorted to less conspicuous methods of elimination. In the end, Franky used a Coup de Vent to blow the rest of the competition away, and the prize money was theirs (the dance organizers were too impressed to say anything about their unorthodox win)._

_"You're all a bunch of morons," Smoker puffed around his cigar, and Tashigi simply chuckled and clutched her sword to her chest with a smile._

He was jerked out of his thoughts by a light thump, and then a quiet apology echoed in the spacious room as Zoro entered the crow's nest. "…didn't mean to startle you…God, did you break your spine?"

Sanji exhaled slowly and made it back up out of his Double Back Reverse Log Pose stretch, raising his brow at the swordsman. "It's called triple-jointed-_fuck_-you flexibility, stupid. What took you so long?"

Zoro looked genuinely surprised. "You remembered?"

"…come here, you big lug. I promised."

It was awkward at first, and neither of them knew where to position themselves, but with a lot of blushing and swearing they got comfortable enough to settle in on the bench together. They couldn't manage to look at each other, but at least they weren't running in the opposite direction. Finally, Zoro lay back and looked up at a spot on the ceiling, only glancing at his companion out of the corner of his eye. Sanji breathed in deeply.

"Ready?" He popped open his copy of _A Collection of East Blue Tales_ and cleared his throat before dropping his voice down to what everyone had affectionately dubbed his Thug Voice. "Once upon a time-"

"You're off just a bit."

"…once upon a _goddamned_ time…"

"Better."

Sanji watched the nighttime sky twinkle cheerfully back at him as he sat in blissful silence; it wasn't often he got these moments to himself. Well, mostly to himself, he thought wryly as he looked down at the sleeping swordsman beside him. It had been almost pleasant as an experience, though both of them would furiously pretend like nothing had happened between them in the morning. Oh well, such was the lot of eternal rivals like themselves.

He draped a blanket over Zoro and moved to head back to the windows at the other end of the room to keep watch, but then the swordsman stirred slightly and moaned.

"Go the fuck to sleep, Mosshead," he whispered, hoping that he would just tuck himself back in and continue sleeping.

A strange, vulnerable smile played on his lips. "Night, grandma."

He missed her, Sanji reminded himself, and his gaze softened considerably. He leaned over to tuck Zoro in and then, just because it was really late and he obviously wasn't in a sound state of mind, Sanji planted a light, chaste kiss on his forehead. "Night, ya damned lettuce-head devil child."

_He looks so happy…_

Sanji straightened up with a tender, sleepy smile, realizing how utterly bizarre his life had become. Nothing, however, could compare to whatever emotional needs the first mate was lacking in. "…I really worry about this guy's childhood."

A sudden flash from the window caught his eye, and the cook's gaze honed in on the pale-faced reporter standing below the crow's nest on the rigging. "You…"

"Oh no…"

His eyes narrowed. "I thought Gino took you out the other night…oi, Lawnhead! They've got photographic evidence!"

Zoro was up in an instant and smashed through the window after Sanji, though the latter had left it open for him. God, Franky was going to kill them for this. They tore after the terrified reporter who just couldn't seem to leave them alone. What didn't he get about "we're pirates, get off our ship already"?

This was all Zoro and his late grandmother's fault. She had left him an emotionally disturbed, monstrously strong idiot with a penchant for sword fighting and readings of "The Little Lost Samurai". He had been unable to cope with her death without having bedtime stories read by his best friend...erm, _rival_ pretending to be his grandmother. And Sanji was just too damn soft when it came to these kinds of things. Curse that soulful, sensitive side of his.

But when he really thought about it, Sanji noted as he helped Zoro chase the reporter down, he realized that he would have loved to meet Grandma Roronoa. She enjoyed antagonizing the Marimo just as much as he did. They were kindred spirits, and those were desperately rare to come by.

_A fine lady after my own heart. Rest in damn peace, Grandma Roronoa._

**A/N:** If anything, I think it got a hundred times weirder. _But_ I think I finally got it all out of my system. And it only took me twenty thousand words and over a month to complete. I hope it made you laugh at some point, at least; if you feel really ambitious, try finding parallels, pairing hints, and even a couple of references to my other stories. Then again, it's a parody, so maybe you shouldn't read too deeply into it. In fact, I'm just thankful that you bothered to continue reading this at all. Really, thanks.

I haven't forgotten about my other stories. It's just taking me time to get back into the groove of writing not-stupid stuff. Updates on _Give and Take_ and _The All Blue Died_ are forthcoming, I promise.


End file.
